Today is Australia Day.
There is a reason it’s Australia Day but as is typical for most of us Aussies, I can’t exactly remember what that reason is. I think it has something to do with the First Fleet arriving on our shores many moons ago to dump off all the convicts from Great Britain (not what you’d call an illustrious start for a country but a start nonetheless)!
If I was any sort of patriot (or professional blogger) I’d find out, but truthfully, I couldn’t be arsed. I know, I know, this is horribly lazy of me. I have no excuse except that I have a cold beverage and a not as cold pool waiting with my name on it…and I’m horribly lazy. We also have friends coming over soon for the obligatory BBQ and I have to clean the gunge from the last gathering off the BBQ plate.
In order to celebrate Australia Day (and add to the rumour that Australians are typically fairly wacko), let me present the Definitive Guide to Being an Aussie (sent to me via email), complete with translations for those of you from other parts.
- The shorter the nickname, the more an Aussie likes you.
- Whether it’s the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
- If the bloke next to you is swearing like a wharfie (labourer who loads and unloads vessels in a port) he’s probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
- There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce (ie ketchup).
- On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
- All our best heroes are losers.
- The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags (ie sausages).
- It’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
- It is proper to refer to your best friend as “a total bastard”. By contrast, your worst enemy is “a bit of a bastard”.
- If it can’t be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it’s not worth fixing.
- The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool (this is so true. Our pooless neighbours currently have pool envy).
- The phrase “we’ve got a great lifestyle” means everyone in the family drinks too much.
- If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host’s beer (don’t worry, he’ll have catered for it).
- You believe all famous Kiwis (ie New Zealanders) are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
- You know, despite what the tourist books say, that no one says “cobber” (and despite, Australia, the movie, no one says “shut your damper hole”. And while I’m at it, no one “throws a shrimp on the barbie” either. We barbeque prawns, people! Prawns!)
- You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose.
- You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
- The phrase “a simple picnic” is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don’t need to make three trips back to the car, it’s not a real picnic.
- When you hear that an American ‘roots for his team’ you wonder how often and with whom (ie in Australia, “roots” means…well…something else).
- On picnics, the Esky (ie cooler/chilly bin) is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
- You understand that the phrase “a group of women wearing black thongs” refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
- You can translate: “Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas” (ie translation: Darren and Sharon played AC/DC on the way to McDonalds).
- When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel’s pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
- You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden (ie you’re not allowed to water the garden due to drought).
- There comes a time in every Australian’s life when they realise that the Aeroguard (ie famous brand of mosquito spray) is worse than the mozzies (ie mosquitoes).
- And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia; Potential new Aussies must pass the following test:
Mow a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs (ie flip flops) holding a VB (ie beer) while watching the cricket.
If you can’t pass that, chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as an Aussie.
Upon reading the list, I realise this doesn’t exactly show us in a good light. Still, it’s not surprising. We are all descendants of convicts after all! 
For the Aussies amongst us, may your day be filled with good cheer, great friends and much pondering of what you’re actually celebrating. For everyone else, feel free to have a meat pie and tomato sauce in our honour (or Vegemite on toast if you’re game)!
Happy Australia Day everyone!
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Sami, Sami, Sami!
You’ve captured one of the primary reasons I love blogging and reading blogs so much, they bring us together! I really laughed at (and loved!) your Aussie translations for us US folk. I actually worked side-by-side with an Aussie for a couple of years, so I recognize a lot of the translations you provided for use here.
He was really funny and reminds me of you – GREAT sense of humor!
Soooo cool about Australia Day! Now I need to do some rooting around through the internet so I know exactly what the holiday represents.
(ha ha ha ha!!)
Have fun and drink a ‘cool one for me!!
YAY!! FUN!!!
I loved this post. Being from the USA, it was an education. By the way what does the following sentence mean. “I couldn’t be arsed.”
The sentence makes me wonder also what does the word “arse” mean.
Ha ha as an Aussie I laughed out loud at this. Have a great Australia Day.
No WONDER I’ve always wanted to visit Australia! Y’all are just (Louisiana cajuns) coonasses once removed!
No, really— after reading your post, I realize I really AM an Aussie wannabe. After all, I was glued to the tv for three hours yesterday ROOTING for my team. Figure that one out, Aussie! And I want a two-letter nickname, please!
@Lori
Hey Chicka. Yeah, I have to say, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I read the list on accounts it’s so true! At least we can laugh at ourselves eh? And be careful with “rooting around” on the internet, you never know what you might catch!
PS. Consider the cool one drunk! xxx
@Roger
Hi Roger! See what I mean by most non-Aussies not understanding half the things I say? Slang is so ingrained in my language – I can’t help myself! “I couldn’t be arsed” means I couldn’t be bothered and “arse” means “ass”. As is the case with most of our slang though, I have no idea why “arsed” is used in that context because it doesn’t make sense. We don’t seem to care if it doesn’t make sense so long as we know what it means. Go figure.
@Lilly
Hey Lilly! Happy Australia Day to you too!
@Jeanne
Hi J (this is your new nickname – I went one better than a two-letter nickname which essentially means I like you a WHOLE lot!). And J, I never knew you were like that?! Rooting a whole team!!! Geez girl, you have some energy.
Sami,
Why can I relate to #9 all too well!?!?!?
And roots! Well…let’s just say, I’ve figured out what that means!
Enjoy the “great lifestyle” Sami!!!
i lived in melbourne for almost 3 years when i was a kid…when we’d come back to the states for “home leave” each year, my friends would take me to school for show & tell. they would parade me in front the class and then say “speak australian.” (and then i’d make ‘em all eat vegemite!) ewwww!
Hi Sami,
Happy Belated Aussie Day!
Your post had me laughing out loud! Thank you for that. You are so funny. The one that got me the most was about the prawns.
Blame that Dundee movie dude for the barbie error!
@Lance
Yes, now you can see why I never bought the Roots brand of clothing whilst living in Canada. I’m not sure I’d get the response I would like by wearing a pair of tracksuit pants with “Roots” emblazoned across my butt. And I can safely say I had a “great lifestyle” yesterday my friend!
@Jodie
Hi Jodie. That’s too funny. I have to say, nothing cracks me up faster than hearing a foreigner attempt the Aussie accent. Even funnier is watching a foreigner eat Vegemite. That could entertain me for hours!
@Nadia
Thanks Nadia! You’re welcome by the way. Yep, Crocodile Dundee has a LOT to answer for; no Australian worth their salt drinks Fosters and “shrimp” is my sister’s nickname, not a crustacean thrown on the barbie!
Sami,
Okay…your response made me laugh out loud!!!! Bwahahahahahah!!!! Happy Day After (or is it now day after day after??) Australia Day!
Lance lived in Canada?!?
I can relate to the National Anthem one. And to mowing the lawn in my flip flops while drinking a beer.
Gotta go now! Off to root around for a sausage.
Jim, where are ya, Sweetie???
Another J
Jannie,
Sorry…I have never lived in Canada. Sami…now she has (see, she speaks your language!). I’ve visited Canada. And Canada is my neighbor to the north (not many can say “Canada is my neighbor to the south”, can they!).
Ummm….too much information Jannie!!! Whatcha think, Sami? Jannie bares it all here, doesn’t she!
Anyway…Jannie…happy rooting!!! (in your flip flops, drinking beer..)
@Lance & @Jannie
So I go out for the day and come back to find all sorts of hilarity going on here!!! Today is happy day after the day after. And Jannie, seriously, all I can say is;
1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And
2. That reminds me of a joke…no…let’s not go there eh? Say hi to Jim the sausage for me.
PS. Lance, wearing your flip flops whilst…well…rooting, is akin to wearing socks. Drinking beer is fine. Just so you know.
Sami,
I feel enlightened… (…off to *ahem* get that beer and start rooting for the home team…)
@Lance
Hey Lance, I bet you feel far more enlightened than you’d rather be!
Your post is so funny!! I love it! I have a few Australian friends who are currently staying here in Singapore, as well as Singaporean friends who are currently staying in Australia. It has been wonderful knowing more about the Aussies from them! You folks certainly have a great sense of humor!
@Evelyn
Hi Evelyn. Thanks for that. Yes, we are definitely a crazy bunch who know how to have a laugh. I’d love to get over to Singapore myself. I’ve heard very good things about your country. Thanks for stopping by!
Happy Australia day! Funny article! I should check your country out sometime…
Andrew
@Andrew
Hey Andrew! Thank you and yes, you totally should get yourself Down Under. We’re a pretty friendly bunch!