Today is an auspicious occasion in the crazy house of Life, Laughs & Lemmings for it is my very first guest post from someone who just so happens to be one of my fave bloggers. I’m so excited, ooee, and I just can’t hide it, oh no no no no no no! I’m about to lose control and I think I like it!
Graceful Creative was one of the first blogs I regularly started visiting and is a constant source of inspiration, mindful living and goodness. Go check it out but then come back and read Kirwin’s awesome post on forgiveness, a necessary part of living well (and something I’ve had quite a bit to do with myself!).
Such is the occasion, can I please ask that you all be upstanding [Insert drum roll] as I present the gorgeous, insightful, fellow Type Aer, Kirwin from Graceful Creative!!!
OK, you can all sit down now.
The Art of Forgiveness
I come from a family of four children: my older brother, me, my sister, and my younger brother. I consider my sister one of my best friends, and I will brag about my younger brother for as long as you will listen to me. But as far as I can remember, I have never gotten along with my older brother. It’s always been this way.
Things improved when he went off to university — maybe it was a combination of maturity and us not living together.
In 2005, there was a miscommunication over planning a birthday. I could go into the “he said, she said”, but that’s beside the point. What started out as a small disagreement, had turned into a small feud. In 2007, my brother got engaged, and my dad asked me to put it aside. With tears in his eyes, my dad asked, “With this engagement, can we put everything aside and just start fresh?” How could I say no?
In all honesty, I was hopeful. I didn’t know my brother’s fiancee very well, but she seemed very nice. I hoped that she might balance him out, the way partners and spouses usually do with one another. I hoped that she might be the bridge that finally helped my brother and I become friends.
The wedding plans grew, and my sister and I were asked to be bridesmaids. After the bridesmaid attire was paid for, the obligatory Las Vegas bachelorette party, and the gifts that go along with showers and weddings, I spent close to $1000 of my own money towards their wedding.
Imagine my surprise and the kick in the gut when I learned that my children were not invited to the wedding. My two children are the ONLY niece and nephew on either side of the family, so it wasn’t an issue of ‘too many children’. Plus, they were family. I have been invited to weddings where children were excluded, but the relative’s children were always in attendance. I won’t lie — it smarted. A lot. Cross me, and I’ll eventually get over it. Cross my children, and watch out. What do they say about Mother Bears when their cubs are around?
Compared to this situation, the 2005 feud now resembled a molehill. And if you’re wondering if I was still ‘in the wedding’, the answer is oh, yes! You see, pretense was very important in both the groom’s and the bride’s families. They probably wished that I would bow out, and oh how I longed to be relieved of my bridesmaid duties. I wasn’t, and so my husband and I only attended the parts that we had to attend. Once the wedding was over, we dusted our hands off, and considered ourselves finished with “them”.
Unfortunately, you can’t really be *finished* with someone when they are a part of your family. Each birthday or Christmas that occurred, we were forced to be in the same room. And if there’s one thing you should know about me, I have a horrible Poker Face. If I don’t like you, there’s no disguising it. The tension in the room was palpable for everyone. Innocent family members were being affected by our war.
When I wasn’t around my brother and his new wife, I was fine. They weren’t in my world, so I didn’t give them a moment’s thought. However, each time a special occasion was approaching, I would be sick with worry. I would have bad dreams. I would hash out the details over and over in my head. I had my Pride and I had my Anger, but I also had my Anxiety.
This continued until November of last year. I remember that it was November because my brother was having a birthday celebration at his house. My husband and I had declined the invitation without giving a reason, because we decided that it was more honest to decline, than be fake and attend. We knew that everyone (us, the host, the guests) would have a better time if we didn’t attend.
Anyhow, on an ordinary November afternoon, I found myself running errands and singing along with the radio. White Snake’s, “Here I Go Again On My Own” came on the radio, and I immediately thought of my brother. In high school, he had analyzed this song for an English assignment, because it was a song he identified with. He was one of those super-smart, excruciatingly shy guys who was socially awkward. As I listened to the words, I began to think about how difficult it must have been to be him in high school. I began to think how his experiences have formed the way he is, and the way he reacts to situations. I realized that there is SO MUCH I don’t know about him.
And in that moment, I forgave him.
I didn’t understand him, and so I forgave him. I realized that he has his story, and I have my story. That doesn’t make either of us right or wrong. In fact, it’s possible for two people to both be right (or wrong, for that matter). One person’s truth is as important as another person’s truth.
I’ll be honest. I waited for this forgiveness to pass. I assumed that after a day or two, I would be back to my anger and resentment. But funny enough, the forgiveness stuck. A week passed, two weeks passed, and I still held forgiveness in my heart.
I’ll skip the details of our coming-together, but I will say this – it’s done. The anger, the hurt, the anxiety — all gone. I no longer lose sleep over being in the same room as them, and I don’t wish them ill will. Forgiving my brother was a gift that I gave to myself.
Is there someone in your life that you can’t imagine ever forgiving? I understand how you feel, because that’s how I felt seven months ago. If you take anything away from this post, take this:
Most people don’t set out to intentionally do cruel things. There’s usually a reason or a string of reasons preceding it. You may never know what hardships or difficulties have befallen on them to make them act in this certain way. You don’t have to agree with them to forgive them, and you don’t have to become their bestest buddy. And lastly, forgiving someone is a gift that you ultimately give to yourself.
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What an amazing guest post! I love reading Graceful Creative and I loved reading this post as well. It was so wonderfully written and the art of forgiveness is something we all need to think about. Thank you for sharing this!
[...] post is The Art of Forgiveness, something we all can relate to. Go check it out, and stay a while. Life, Laughs & Lemmings is [...]
Thank you Sami for honoring me and allowing me to guest post. It was fun to do, and I look forward to hosting you at GC soon!
Lovely writing on a touchy topic. That very closely resembles a wound in our family, down to the wedding. Thanks for the reminder that quite often a closed door is our loss, not theirs. I’ll be more mindful of an open heart.
Wow. What an absolutely beautiful reminder. Thank you for sharing your story with us – I myself am guilty of harboring bitterness. Regardless of how cruel the situation, it is something I need to work on letting go of… I’ll definitely be re-visiting this article in the future.
Hey Kirwin,
You are more than welcome! So great to have your story here.
@Amy & @Ang, thanks for stopping by!
Hey PP,
You’re welcome. Graceful Creative is a top read that’s for sure!
Graceful Creative, this was a beautiful and well-written post. More importantly, though, you wrote from your heart. Thank you for sharing this with us.
As you know, I have a similar situation with my sister (well … my whole immediate family) and I am the place now where forgiveness is certainly possible but it is better for me to not be in their presence. While it’s true that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, I also realize that my forgiveness of them doesn’t (and hasn’t) necessarily changed the toxic nature of our interactions. Essentially, I am able to acknowledge that something is poison and not “judge” it, but I certainly do steer away from it.
LOVE this post! Graceful Creative is an awesome blogger. Thanks for featuring her on your blog.
@ PP~
I’m glad you enjoyed reading it. It was a little therapeutic, writing it out.
@ Amy~
It’s interesting…When I share this story with others, I often hear that others have similar experiences and situations. It’s not easy and I’m not saint. But I’ve learned a lot from it.
@ Ang~
I’m glad you like the post and found it helpful. It’s definitely not easy, and I consider myself kind of lucky that I “fell” into it.
I came over because I read Kirwin’s post in my reader and I have subscribed to your page as well! I love this post Kirwin! Everyone needs to forgive and forget, especially when it comes to family!
@Amy,
You’re welcome. Thanks for stopping by.
@Chele,
So great to have you on board! I’m very lucky to have a fantastic community here. Welcome and thanks for stopping by.
Generally I am with you on this, and I find I can forgive most people most things. I am still annoyed with my best friend and godmother of my only child for not bothering to come to his first birthday – she declined the invitation without a reason, and even when pressed could only come up with being tired and wanting to spend quality time with her son. Her son and husband were invited too. She said to me, that she would come up (to the country) another time. As if his first ever birthday would ever happen again. And I know that she went out on the friday night on the piss till very late with a bunch of girlfriends. I am overlooking it and in every other regard I don’t care, she is still my friend, and it doesn’t affect our time together, it really doesn’t. there is too much good to jack in the whole relationship because of this. I park this issue when I see her. But I don’t think I will ever really forgive her. I feel I made a bad choice as a Godmother in her. I expect she wouldn’t understand what the problem is, and would be very upset. But that is how I really think. Gosh. SOrry. not very enlightened. perhaps I am venting a deep seated and unspoken anger.
@ Chania Girl~
Yes, we’ve “discussed” our similar family situations, and to say it’s difficult doesn’t do the situation justice. I think that fact that you have forgiveness for your whole family is a testament to who you are as a person — beautiful inside and out. On top of that, you’re wise to realize that forgiving them does not mean they are the best company for you to be in. {hugs}
@ Amy~
Thanks for the cheering section. : )
@ Chele~
I’m so glad you travelled over here, to one of my favorite blogs. Sami always knows how to brighten my day with her infectuous enthusiasm!
@ mo~
It’s SO different when it comes to our kids, isn’t it? “Unfortunate” situations become much worse. You don’t have to be enlightened — you’re being honest. (That’s one of the things I love about you!) Did this just happen recently? The more recent it was, the more open your “wound” is.
followed you over here kirwin, another good blog to have found.
I don’t know if you read any of my posts, other than the tuesdays unwrapped, but basically I began blogging as a walk to forgiveness.
It is easier in words than actions, that’s for sure. You are a good soul, hope the journey stays in peace
@Mo and @Deb
Thanks for stopping by. Great to have you here!
I am so glad you decided to forgive your brother.
( But I have to be honest, if my children weren’t invited to the wedding, this person would be pissed. It would have been like being invited to the wedding but you have to leave your spouse home. My family is very important to me.)
He is your brother and of course that family, too. So I would have forgive in time. Hopefully he would have forgive me by understanding why I was upset, too. But I do agree that forgiveness is freeing.
Coming from a family with a similar story, I appreciate the message given here. Forgiveness is not something we do as some altruistic gesture for the other person. It is something we do mainly for ourselves to make our life more peaceful and in the end more peaceful for the person or people who are the focus of our negative energy.
I now have two new blogs to keep up with!
Namaste
@Chick J and @Roger
Thanks for your comments and stopping by!
@ deb~
Thank you for your encouragement and for calling me a “good soul.” You’re right about it being easier in words than actually doing. I read about the topic of forgiveness many times before I was actually able to *forgive*. It’s not something you can force yourself to do — that wouldn’t be authentic forgiveness.
@ Chick J~
Thank you. What’s interesting about finding forgiveness, is that I still don’t think I was “wrong” in the situation. It’s not that I regret how I acted, but I regret how the whole situation “went down.” Does that make sense?
@ Roger~
I love how you phrased it: “Forgiveness is not something we do as some altruistic gesture for the other person. It’s so true. Before my enlightenment, I thought that forgiving him meant that I’d have to become best buds with him and start hanging out a lot more. It’s not true. I’ve forgiven him, and I still see him (and his wife) about as often as we did during the feud. The difference is that the energy in the air is a lot more positive.