Last week’s Friday Question, (If you had to name the one thing about your life right now that you would not change, what would it be?), prompted some great responses in the comments section. Throughout many of the answers there was, not surprisingly, a common theme of “the relationship with my family/kid(s)/partner/etc” and it got me thinking (which is often dangerous)…OK, so many of us know that the relationships we have with those close to us are extremely important to us but do we live like they are? So my question for this week is;
Do you add to, maintain and/or make these relationships a priority in your life and if so, how?
In all honesty, for me this is a tough one to balance. As much as I don’t like to admit it, life can sometimes get in the way. With age, I am getting better at it, probably because as I get older, I understand that not only are the relationships irreplaceable but so is time itself (unlike a job, title, money, house, chores).
Some days I’m better at it than others but here are a few of the ways I add to, maintain and make these relationships a priority;
- Call close friends and family for their birthdays, important events and special occasions.
- Greet them with a hug when they visit or we visit them. A proper hug too, not one of those lean in, air kisses, pat on the back type hugs. A nice, big, squeezy, bear hug is the only hug worth giving in my opinion.
- Have regular gatherings like picnics, BBQs, dinners, trips to the beach, high tea, etc.
- Buy or make little gifts like flowers, wine, notes, a meal.
- Help out like dog sitting (hi Katie dog), mowing, moving furniture, cooking meals, collecting mail.
- Offer an ear (not literally, I’m generous but not THAT generous) when needed.
- Stop what I’m doing (which is usually on the computer) and give my full attention when someone comes in the room (OK, I’m not awesome at this but I’m getting much better). Check out the great article on The Importance of Greeting Others in The First 90 Seconds by Laurie over at Express Yourself to Success.
- I totally dig surprises so I love to give surprise gifts and parties (and jumping out from behind doors but that is generally less appreciated
).
OK, so what do you do to add to your relationships? How do you make them a priority? What gets in the way of doing so?
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Besides all of your great ways of keeping relationships going (and we really do have to work at it or that terrible spoiler “time” tries to rear its ugly head), I like to:
# Buy little things that I think someone in particular would love, even if it’s something stupid like an erotically-shaped sweet potato.
# Send funny emails to people I think would appreciate them (like you).
# Send updates and photos on our lives and happenings.
# Talk to my friends and family about exciting things I’ve been doing, like making my own skin care products using organic or almost organic ingredients; or using Enjo cleaning products that don’t need chemicals (and no, I don’t sell them myself).
# Getting together with neighbours at a weekly happy hour, and having the occasional dinners with them. It’s amazing how 10 year olds can mix with 20 year olds, can mix with 30 and 60 year olds, and all have the one thing in mind – enjoying their company and having fun!!
Heya – great question! Technology has really helped with this one with the likes of Facebook etc, which makes it quick and easy to keep in touch with a quick message or poke (no sheep throwing, no one likes that). I guess the trick here is to not lose the intimacy of face-to-face meetings in the midst of a quick-fix solution.
My friends and I recently commited to catching up every month, which we’d struggled to do since school. How do we do it? We plan ahead and commit to a date a month in advance, then organise the next do when we’re all together. So far so good – we’ve caught up every month since April!
Great post! While I do say that relationships are really important to me, I don’t know if I always act that way. You’ve given me some great ideas for making my relationships with others even better!
Hey, I think you might just be related to my wife – she has this penchant for jumping out when I least expect it…and she finds great humor if I jump (or dare I say…scream…)!
I add by: by giving my full attention to the person I’m talking to (usually…). By lending a helping hand. Listening. Offering encouragement.
What gets in the way: What I think is more important (it’s usually not…I get it wrong). My owns selfish needs (which aren’t really needs at all)
Good choice hanging on to both ears…
This is a great post – very motivating!
A friend of mine decorates the sandwich bags that she puts the kids’ lunches in with happy faces, kisses, hearts. I thought this wasa really cute idea…
Another idea that I heard was including a little hand written note in your partner’s lunch box/bag for a small surprise later on.
Taking an idea off the TV the other day, you could also plant some seeds that spells out a message or name when they sprout if you have a spare patch of garden.
Thank you for the inspiration to think about this a bit more!
I like this topic, there’s nothing in this life that means more to me than friends. Really.
You sound like a great friend, I wish I lived closer to you.
OK, so what do you do to add to your relationships?
I try to listen to them, as fully as possible and empathize. That includes letting them ‘have it out’ and cry if necessary.
How do you make them a priority?
Good question. Really good question. I think I am still working on that one…
What gets in the way of doing so? I think I have trouble balancing time with my spouse with time with my friends. But, maybe that’s the issue, my spouse is my best friend and I love spending time with him! Is that really an issue though? Maybe I should write a post of my own about that…eh? Great topic, Sami!
Oooo, this is such a good one… I would say I add to and maintain these relationships by keeping in touch with friends and family now that I am out of the country via facebook, travel blog, emails, etc. However, it has lost some of the intimacy of it as I don’t voice chat often. Sometime I find it hard to continue with this when I get very little or no response back and I constantly instigate the contact. But I am trying not to change who I am and what I do in reaction to this!
As for my partner… I have written him surprise notes, bake him muffins, buy him a choccie bar (hmm, is there a common theme here – he has just a little sweet tooth). Phone him unexpectedly and take time to listen and input into his hobbies and interests.
Putting aside quality time for all relationships is important. I do sometimes struggle with this and I am making a conscious effort to stop what I am doing and give people my full attention when they talk to me, etc (I’m a born multi-tasker, which is not always a good thing).
What a thought provoking question….
Yes, fortunately i have learned that relationships are priority…but keeping them that way in between life calls…becomes difficult sometimes. But apart from all the awesome suggestions here…the on thing i love to do…is a SMS…i make it a point to send a short and sweet sms to my hubby every single day….and then when he gets home…we have a tease about it….its fun. I do the same with my other friends and relatives as well…a short naughty sms…which i have written…not those forwarded kinds. As for the friends and family who are far..i make it a point to harass them by a little email or facebook….
Calling and getting together is very important as well…but when incase there isnt time or that….technology can save the day!
Great question.
I have to be honest (like you) and say that sometimes life gets in the way sometimes. With my husband and my two children, when I haven’t connected with them in a while, out of nowhere, I’ll feel a tug at my heart. I’ll have a sudden yearning to sit amongst the toys and play legos, and have a great conversation with my son. With my daughter, all I have to do is enter her world of pretend. I’ll “be” whoever she wants me to be.
And with my husband, everything just slows down. When I feel we haven’t had that connection, everything else drops by the wayside. It becomes my #1 priority to just be with him.
Extended family members and friends, it’s much harder for me, depending on who it is. However, I have been realizing for a while –and your question last week and this week– made me realize it even more, that I need to make more of an effort with others. I consider myself low-maintenance as far as relationships go, but maybe I’m just being lazy???
Nice suggestions! I need to remind myself to make more of an effort at actually connecting with people, rather than just being around them.
I think it’s worth mentioning that I try to take care of myself first – if I’m not in tune with me (in regard to health, emotion, needs, etc.) – then I’m not really available for anyone else on an honest level. By making myself the ultimate priority, I’m able to better give to those around me and give to them from a clear, true place. Which all of my friends and family deserve.
Thanks for the tips! Happy weekend.
Veronica
http://www.drrussbuss.com
I’ve been married 37+ years (since I was 17 and pregnant). How…
By refusing to argue or have the last word
By going the extra mile
By playing and having fun together
By lots of touch, goofing around and fun
By creating a good attitude even when i don’t feel like it
By speaking up even when it’s difficult
By loving even when I feel unlovable…etc.
Hi Sami!
Great to find your wonderful site!
And what a great question indeed!
I have to tell you for me the whole relationship idea has greatly changed in the past, hmmm almost 10 years. Ever since my early 20′s I have been doing, how should I call it “emotional cleaning”.
I feel that all too often we hold onto some relationships out of nothing but some sort of “obligation” and often those relationships don’t serve us. As I grew and changed, the relationships with the people around me did too.
The one thing that has stayed constant was my relationship with my husband. And boy do we not only maintain that, but add to it regularly as well. We know how precious it is to us, and we know where we want to be in the future. So each day we make sure to be really present for and to each other in so many different ways.
(I love Tess’s advice above and am definitely taking some pointers)
As for others, I do tend to all my other friend/family relationships in various ways. Nothing forced or that would feel like an “obligation” but unexpected ways that will make them know that I value their presence in my life.
Hi Sami!
Thank you so much for making a reference to my blog. I’ve been away on holidays for over a month and this was such a nice surprise to come home to.
I really like your Friday question and it has me thinking way too early in the morning.
My biggest thing that I have to consciously do when I’m talking on the phone with someone I care about is getting up and walking away from the computer. I like to surf while I talk but, as you can guess, I’m not fully present for my friend who is telling me about her day. I’ve actually had to move the phone out of my computer area to I have to get up to answer – that’s how bad it was getting! Having done that, I’m actually enjoying chatting more on the phone which was a medium that I didn’t really like before (thus the surfing).
Thanks for the post and for your great website. I really enjoy it.
@Linda
Hey Auntie L, great suggestions but what’s with the erotically shaped sweet potato?
You’re right, we do have to make the time to keep in touch with those we want to.
@Katie
Hi Katie, technology can be a double edged sword – it can be a time waster and cause overwhelm but as you said, it can also be an easy way to stay in touch with people. I like a mixture of email, Facebook, phone calls and face-to-face.
Absolutely love the once a month catch up with friends! That’s a brilliant idea. V impressed you’ve kept it going too. Thanks K!
@Positively Present
Hey PP, Cool! I’m pleased it’s given you some inspiration. Hopefully the ideas in the post and the comments will help you with keeping in contact with people.
@Lance
Hey Lance, I love your wife already! She sounds like just my kinda girl. And picturing you screaming totally made me laugh (as did the ear comment)!
I think we all sometimes let less important things get in the way of adding to our relationships. We are human I guess! I think though, that so long as we keep our relationships one of our top priorities most of the time, we’re doing well and I have no doubt you do Lance.
@Kirsty
Hi Kirsty, thank you. You’ve given some fantastic ideas – very creative. Decorating the sandwich bags is so cool! Love it. Last time I was away from home for a couple of days, I left a handwritten note for my partner under the covers of our bed so he’d see it as he got into bed. He’s done similar for me before too. It’s such an awesome surprise – it costs nothing and is so easy to do. I haven’t heard of the seed idea – that’s definitely something very different. It’s a gift that would keep giving too! Thanks for stopping by!
@Lori,
Awww Lori, thanks and ditto re living closer (I can just see us having a glass of vino at the beach!). It sounds to me you have your balance totally sorted. In my mind, the relationship with my partner is as important as the relationship with my family and close friends so if you’re spending time with your hubby, you’re one step ahead of many people. Having said that, I think it’s also healthy to have time apart with friends separately. I always find that “absence always makes the heart grow fonder” so it’s a win-win for everyone anyway! Thanks Lori.
@Valeska,
Hey Valeska, I found that when traveling too. It’s really hard to call people with the time differences. It’s still great to see you keeping in touch in other ways though. Gotta love technology for that eh? And yeah, it’s not easy to keep up contact if you’re not getting it in return. I found when I came home that people said they were sorry for not keeping in contact and that they thought of me often. Sometimes people just aren’t good at keeping in touch. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you and appreciate you keeping in contact though.
Great ideas re what you do for Max. He’s a lucky guy! And I so hear you on the multi-tasking thing. I’m working at stopping that myself. Thanks Vee!
@Zeenat
Hi Zeenat, great to see you here. Yeah, everyone has come up with some fantastic ideas. I love your SMS suggestion too. My partner and I do that. It’s so great to receive a random text with something nice written.
You’re so right, technology can save the day when you don’t have time for face to face interaction (or live in another country!). Thanks for sharing your thoughts Zeenat!
@Kirwin
Hey K, I know exactly what you mean by the “tug at the heart”. That’s such a lovely way to put it. I find it happens to me if I’ve been away from Chris for a couple of days or if he’s had a lot on at work (he often has after work functions he has to attend). Like you, I’ve learnt to use it as a reminder to spend some quality time together. It sounds like you guys have a rockin relationship and I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that you make each other a priority.
You know, I don’t necessarily think it’s laziness. I also don’t think it’s possible to keep in contact with everyone all the time. My best friend lives in Darwin (ie in another State) and we talk only about once a month. Everytime we do we laugh about how slack we both are at keeping in touch. The thing I love about it though, is that neither of us have an expectation on keeping in contact all the time. Whenever we catch up, it’s as if we spoke to each other the day before. I find I keep in contact with extended family via birthday calls and the odd family gathering and I also tend to have a week about every 6 weeks or so where I get on the phone and call those friends I’m close to. That seems to work well.
@Tess
Hi Tess, now they are some awesome suggestions! And wow, 37+ years – that’s a major achievement (and so great to see). With that list, I can see how you’ve done it though. Thank you for sharing.
@Evita
Hi Evita, thanks for your lovely feedback – it’s appreciated. I totally love your answer on a number of levels. I too have gotten to a point where I only keep and maintain relationships with those who serve me (and them). Life is too short to spread yourself thin and spend time with those who you’d rather not.
A great relationship (in any form but especially with a partner) doesn’t just happen. It takes work (and fun) to build great relationships. It sounds like you have a great handle and a lot of wisdom around how to add to and build meaningful relationships. Thanks very much for stopping by.
@Laurie
Hi Laurie, you’re more than welcome. That post of yours has really made me change how I greet people so wanted to share it here. Your strategy of moving your phone away from your computer area is a great one. I can always tell if someone isn’t paying full attention or is typing an email/surfing the net when I’m on the phone to them. I think it’s so important to give people your full attention and it’s a real credit to that you’re making a concerted effort to do that! Thanks for taking the time to comment and for your lovely feedback!
Great post. I really appreciate and agree with your words. Thanks for sharing such beautiful thoughts.
@Everything Counts
Thanks very much. Glad it resonated. Thanks for stopping by!